The Assassin and the Healer by Sarah J. Maas

So after ruining her master's slavery trade deal with the pirate lord in the previous novella, THE ASSASSIN AND THE PIRATE LORD, Celery is sent on a punishment mission to the Bumfuck Desert, or whatever it's called, where she is about as subtle and professional as you would expect (i.e. not at all). She wears a hooded cloak and flashes her weapons while hanging around in this inn like a total creep, and of course, everyone in the place is completely fixated on her, wondering who dis?

The other main character is Yrene, who ends up becoming Chaol's wife later on in the series. She's a barmaid in this one, having resigned herself to the fantasy world equivalent of working in a McDonald's after she found she was too poor to go to healer school. She wears a wedding ring to fake out creepers and is generally totally miserable. This new cowled assassin is the most excitement she's ever gotten in her sad little life.

Naturally, Celery saves Yrene from mercenaries and naturally, Yrene can't stop fangirling over the awesomeness that is Celery, whether it's her amazing gold-rimmed blue eyes or the fact that she's so tough omg, or the fact that she has a veritable Derek Zoolander catalog of ~lewks~ ranging from "roguish grin" to "wild grin."

The book ends with Celery strutting off like she is the best thing since the internet, leaving behind a bag of money for Yrene to go off and stake her fortune. Presumably, Celery was indirectly the reason that Yrene even met Chaol in the first place and was able to heal him, which I guess is supposed to make me love Celery even more. #NiceTryButNope

So far these novellas are feeling an awful lot like self-fanfiction. They don't really add anything to the main story and mostly just kiss Celaena's pale little ass. As if it needed more kissing.

1 out of 5 stars