WtAFW: The Haunted Vagina by Carlton Mellick III

 

So I have a project called What the Actual F*** Wednesday where I read the weirdest of the weird. My friends and followers nominate books they want to see me read, and this title was recommended to me by like three people this week, so I guess I just had to read it.

Steve, the hero, has an eccentric girlfriend. She has all these "cute" quirks, like the fact that she stayed in college until she was thirty majoring in useless things, or the fact that she's fluent in Russian even though she's Thai because she was adopted, or that she goes to seafood restaurants and orders steak, or that she likes to lick-- yes, that's right, LICK-- her glasses clean. Like she's a cat or something, IDK. I don't make the rules.

One day, while Stacy, Ms. Quirkycentric, and Steve, are doing it, he hears strange noises coming from "down there," and there's a skeleton hand "down there," and suddenly she's birthed a skeleton. The whole thing weirds them out so much that they immediately go out for a drink, and Stacy decides that the thing to do is to have Steve go up "there" on the most horrible spelunking journey ever to figure out what's really going on in her chamber of secrets if you get me.

Well, he does... and it's horrible. Like, the description of it is horrible and what goes on in there is horrible. I'm not sure I can actually describe it all in detail since I'm cross-posting this review to Amazon, but, like, the plastic girl on the cover is Stacy's imaginary childhood friend Fig who's, I guess, made out of plastic. And there's like a whole demonic "Narnia" in there. And eventually Steve ends up putting down literal and figurative roots in there, becoming a permanent plastic resident of this horrible Narnia, shacking up with Fig and treating us to some of the worst sex scenes I've ever read.

Don't even get me started on the scene when Steve finds out Stacy is cheating on him WHILE HE'S IN "THERE." I've read some truly messed up stuff for the sake of this project, but this was some serious nightmare fuel. You've heard of manic pixie dreamgirls? Well, these are manic demon nightmaregirls.

I can't believe I spent five bucks on this. The things I do for y'all, I swear.

1 out of 5 stars