WtAFW: Squeak: A Twisted Tale by Vera Valentine

 

Every week, I read the weirdest romance or erotica I can find for my What the Actual Fuck Wednesday challenge. I've read stories where people fuck everything from Santa Claus to El Nino to COVID-19, and just when I start to think that I've tapped the bottom of the Rule 34 well dry, it proves itself to be bottomless once again (unlike these books hehe).

SQUEAK is the story of shape-shifters who turn into balloon animals, basically. Which was the weirdest premise I'd ever heard. Props for creativity. I don't normally get books based on tropes (in fact, this is a marketing trend that I despise), but BALLOON. ANIMALS. Obviously I needed to read this book asap and report my findings.

And the findings were both weird and yet not weird enough. Sebastian and Keane were turned into men by an evil horny sorceress with a hard-on for causing pain. They escaped but now they need to try the sigils that will unlock the spell that keeps them bound to her. Also, they turn into balloons. They also have a partial form where they're only partial balloons, so picture a semi-transparent man with a balloon dick.

Towards the end of the book, this takes an Omegaverse lite turn when they invite Poppy, an artist and the key to their problems, into their menage-a-balloon. She becomes an Omega and starts nesting or whatever, and the dude who mated with her, Keane, becomes her alpha. Also, their dicks have little twist-ties at the ends and knot at the base and ALSO you can twist their dicks to make shapes, so at one point, Poppy turns one of their dicks into balloon anal beads so he can do her up the butt. Horny sorceress is dispatched with very quickly and ridiculously and the balloon men ejaculate funnel cake icing.

Plot, what plot?

1 out of 5 stars