Monday, August 27, 2018

Empire of Storms by Sarah J. Maas

Q: Why are you reading these books if you don't like them?

A: So I can MST3K the hell out of them.

Q: Well, I like these books and I think you're an idiot for hating on books you don't like because I don't understand the concept of satire and therefore make it my business to police what and how other people read.

A: LOL, well just for that, I'm going to read and review all of the books in this series, so what do you think of that, Stan?

Q: ...I think you're a meanie loser with too much free time.

A: Your point being?

Q: ...

A: ...

Q: ...

A: ...

Q: I hate you.

A: Cram a book in it, Stan.

Well, the journey has been long and arduous but I'm finally caught up in the Chronicles of Mary Sue-ia, AKA Throne of Veggies, AKA The Little Special That Could. People were losing their collective shits over this book last year. Like, seriously. Friendships were tested and ended over this book, and people were accused of stanning too hard or not stanning hard enough. Meanwhile, I was just sitting there atop my hoard of bodice-rippers, squinting my eyes and thinking, "What the hell is wrong with you people?"

The books begin with THRONE OF GLASS, in which a candy-eating teenage assassin Hunger Games her way into being the "king's champion," and then has so much fun fucking and eating her way through victory that her criminal neglect ends up in the death of her best friend in CROWN OF MIDNIGHT. In HEIR OF FIRE, she takes her special levels from Charmander to Charmeleon with the help of Mr. Faeniverse, only to fall in love with him in QUEEN OF SHADOWS. Meanwhile, Sarah J. Maas takes shipping to next-level fangirl BS, creating entire armadas of forced-canon love interests, to the point of completely discounting previous characterization/relationship hierarchies. But in EMPIRE OF STORMS, Maas outdoes herself yet again as Celery Saltine-thin discovers her inner-holographic Charizard, and when Maas runs out of special powers to give her heroine, she starts creating new ones like "moonfire," which sounds like something cribbed from Sailor Moon. Oh, and the sex - let's not forget the sex. Violent, bitey sex where mountains shake and lightning flashes to the point that you'll probably need homeowner's insurance just to do it in your own bed.

🌟 Seriously, how many elements need to be present in the bedroom before Sarah J. Maas considers it "good" sex? Why is everything exploding and catching on fire? And if that's what sex looks like, what do sexual diseases look like? Active volcanoes? Cthulu? Condoms don't seem to exist in this world, so that's a valid concern.

🌟 While whining about affairs of state he's had to deal with, Durian casually mentions slavery. Does that mean he owns/has owned slaves? And we're still supposed to like him?

🌟 200-300 pages of this book could have been cut without loss. The writing takes a nose-dive from the previous books and gets seriously lazy. Where was the editor? Asleep at the desk?

🌟 Not that I blame them. This was 500+ pages of self-fanfic.

🌟 Seriously, the only character who is more special than this gal is Anita Blake. Sarah J. Maas frantically comes up with new powers to outdo her old ones, from moonfire to fire-breath, and of course she has weird freaky sex magic to go along with it. Then when that gets boring, Maas finds another couple to have weird freaky sex magic. I can only imagine how the sequel is going to go. Last I checked, it's 1000+ pages. Imagine all the sex magic she can pack in there with her armada of ships.

🌟 It's called KINGDOM OF ASHES, but we might as well just call it FIFTY SHADES OF FAE.

🌟 Everyone is obsessed with the heroine and won't shut up about her, whether they hate her or want to be her or just want her. I got really tired of hearing how Queen Special specialed her specials in order to proceed on her special quest to special to the land of Special to special the lost special.

🌟 Special.

🌟 Oh, and if I ever see another character in one of her books "purr," it will be too soon. Talk about a verbal tic! We all know the real reason why Sarah J. Maas was tasked with writing that Catwoman book; some scout saw the "purr" count of this book and thought, "YAS! Someone who can make a crazy cat lady look hawt!" The characters in these books are basically a pack of orgasming cats already, so why not officiate it and slap the DC label on it? Ergo, Catwoman.

🌟 "Kidnap the Celery, throw her in a box, bury her for 90 years, then see if she talks..."

Oh, I can't wait to see what happens with KINGDOM OF ASH. I've already written out a hypothetical ending in my pre-review of the series, and it made people REAL MAD. Don't @ me, though. Maas was baiting the hell out of Celery's demise in this book, but I just know that she's going to pull a Harry Potter and find some excuse for her to live with a fae-ex-machina. As much as I want her to stay locked up in that box forever, we all know that Celery is going to be best-woman at Dorian and Chaol's wedding, and they'll have fifty kids each and become gods on the moon, where they can leer down at us mortals here on earth while purring to their hearts' content.

1 out of 5 stars


  1. LOL. I love ACOTAR series but I'm too weary to go near this one...

  2. Nenia, seriously, I LOLed so much when reading this review that I almost fell off my chair. Your reviews are GOLD.

    1. Thank you so much, Zia. :'D I'm glad you enjoy them!

  3. A couple of years ago, I got sick of Trilogies and decided to never again read a trilogy that was not complete. I want to be sure the story survived the length of the telling. It is a lot to ask of a writer to keep focused that long without turning the plot into mud patties. Then I met Maas's stretch of what seems like an implausible never-ending story. I think she is a capable writer and maybe just got swayed by her publisher's praise and their willingness to milk the cow until it dies. Yes, that is a declaration of "I've had it and she is off my reading list forever." Sigh.

    1. I could definitely see her writing what I would consider a good book one day, but before that happens I definitely feel like she'll have to resign herself to writing unlikable, imperfect characters who exist outside of their potential for being in a fanfictiony romantic relationship with some mortal god of a human (or fae) being.

  4. I am so happy that somebody else sees it the same way I do. I felt like the only one when I saw all the praise and unconditional love for these books all around. At this point they will publish anything she writes, the more the better.

    1. You are not the only one! I remember when this book came out and people were losing their shit, and I was just like, "um, I don't get it."


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