Thursday, October 1, 2020

Kissing the Coronavirus by M.J. Edwards

I often self-effacingly refer to myself as a garbage can because I read a lot of books that many people consider trashy. In fact, a lot of trash is quite excellent or at least aspires to be. Not KISSING THE CORONA VIRUS, though. This is a book that wallows in its terribleness. Even though it's only sixteen pages, the author has charged 99 cents for it, and written something so outlandish that all of us are out there, doing all of their publicity for them. It's so evil, it's practically a Disney supervillain's scheme.

Set in a lab, KISSING THE CORONAVIRUS features a female scientist named Alexa, one of a "crack team of scientists." (I can only imagine that the "crack" in that sentence refers to crack cocaine.) Alexa enjoys her work a little too much, because the COVID specimen she has in a test tube make her so wet (and her nipples "as hard as tic tacs"). So obviously, she's delighted when the teddybear scientist she works with takes a vaccine for COVID they made and it causes him to hulk out, COVID style, with a big, green, protinaceous dick.

The sex scenes are... about what you would expect from a book like this. It's like something a middle schooler might sit down to write if you-- inappropriately and inadvisably-- told them to write something "hot" (note: do not do this). Characters kiss like they're swishing around "chunks of microwaved fish". The word love lotion is used, unironically, as if in an ode to Bertrice Small and her "honey evens" and "love grottoes." Alexa's breasts glisten like water balloons under the summer sun. It is the worst, most hilarious, thing that I have ever read.

Is it worth 99 cents? No. Did it make me laugh? Yes. Did it make me feel slightly sick? Yes. Should you buy it? I mean... why not. This is what happens when people are stuck at home with nothing to do. We crack open a bottle of the good stuff and start creeping over to "the dark and shady corner of the erotica genre." And honestly, I can't help but admire the author for putting this book out there... if only because I'm slightly secretly jealous that I didn't think of it first. Could this be the next dinosaur erotica? Maybe.

Also, I don't think this needs saying, but just in case: if you encounter the Coronavirus, you should not fuck it. Not even if it makes you horny. COVID-19 is a real pandemic and it has cost real lives (200,000 in the United States alone). Please, please, please wear a mask when you go out, carry and use hand-sanitizer, avoid touching your face in public, wash your hands well and often, and practice social distancing. Even if you don't think you're at risk, you could be saving the life of someone immuno-compromised who doesn't have the luxury of being careless.

If you're an essential employee, hats off to you for keeping our country running through these terrible times.

And if you're the author reading this, thanks for giving us all something to bond over and laugh at during quarantine. I really, really needed that.

1 out of 5 stars

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