Jenn is majoring in Indiana Jonesology with a mini minor in cultural appropriation, and her research has taken her to the Yucatan peninsula in search of a lost temple. While on their journey, she hears one of the locals talk about something that sounds like "fuck-vine" in Yucatec (and if anyone can actually speak Yucatec/Mayan, I am DYING to know if the language in here is actually accurate, because if so, I might have to award a bonus star for someone going to that level of research for a mere twenty pages of sex vine fuckery).
Because-- oh whoops, SPOILERS. Jenn stumbles into the lost temple completely by accident and the sexy hieroglyphs on the wall seem to show a virgin being sacrificed not by having her heart ripped out, but by having her ass tapped by THOSE VINES. And then-- oh whoops, she realized that she's chosen said sacrificial altar of Little Shop of Horrors lovin' as a perch for her hieroglyph perusal. Faster than you can say "Feed me, Seymour," she's out of there. Or at least, she WOULD be out of there, if the vines didn't causally block off her path like it's the 1960s and someone called for some beaded curtains and an LSD trip.
I actually thought the vine-man was pretty inventive and creepy. Also there's the two dicks, as I mentioned. The main event has a hard avocado-like tip (help) and the smaller one is for butt stuff and has a little pink flower on it. The pink flower matches the ones that vine man has instead of eyes (EEK). Also, apparently he's kind of hollow because Jenn says that he looks like the musculature diagrams in textbooks, so I'm just picturing a super ropy and hulked out '90s Batman villain-looking guy, only, you know, ribbed for her pleasure.
Fannie Tucker has written some really bad books, but there's always a fun, whimsical edge to them that a lot of these other erotica shorts lack. Sometimes they have me cringing and laughing but this one almost worked. With a little bit of retooling (goodnight, everybody) and a bit more world development, I think this could be one that the monster-fuckers out there would seriously enjoy.
P.S. I'd say I'm surprised that people want to fuck plants but when I was a kid in the wooly mammoth days of the interwebs, I accidentally ventured onto the NSFW section of Deviantart and learned-- to my detriment-- that there's people out there who have caught serious feelings for the piranha plants in Mario. And those feelings involve big, bulbous, spiny dicks.
2 to 2.5 out of 5 stars
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