So in case you're new to my reviews, I have a weekly reading feature called "What the Actual Fuck Wednesday," where followers send me the weirdest romance or erotica books they can find and then I review them here, on the blog. Today's read was suggested to me by West Coast Justin, and I'd say thank you but... actually, I won't. Because this was baaaaaaad.
Fannie Tucker is a repeat guest in this feature. She's the female Chuck Tingle, the yin to his yang. I'd say that they should do a collab, but then someone would probably force me to read it, and I would have to, so please, don't actually do that. But anyway, Fannie Tucker is one of those troll erotica authors who write really ridiculous twenty-page stories where some heroine (or hero) gets banged by something weird, to the point where it actually becomes its own viral marketing.
In POLLED HARD, jaded Julia takes a ho-hum approach to voting day. She lives in a swing state so her vote might actually make a difference, but she's not excited about either candidate. A dictator or a crony career man, she thinks. WHAT A CHOICE. But the poll machine doesn't take too kindly to her lack of enthusiasm and decides to take matters into its own hands. Er, I mean, lever. Which, if you live in the U.S. of A., you know isn't the first time that someone's been fucked while voting. (Note: this joke in my pre-review about voter suppression lost me friends but it was too good not to keep in the update.)
Anyway, two uncomfortable jokes about government figures abusing power to have sex later, poll machine offers a sweaty and exhausted Julia a choice: anal pounding or vibrating massage? She chooses vibrating massage but the machine is like LOL guess what, it's disenfranchisement time, toots. You're getting pounded because them's the breaks and that's the system. Which is RUDE because that is literally the exact same joke I made. First you came for my coin, then you came for my jokes!
The voting machine feels sorry for Julia and does give her that massage, but she also still gets fucked. Because that's what happens in a two party system. She slinks out of the booth, past the kindly, deaf old lady volunteer who's in charge. She starts to tell the lady what happened but then decides, meh. And this, my friends, is what is called "voter apathy." Which is the most realistic element of the book.
I did not like POLLED HARD. Some of Fannie Tucker's books have me laughing at how ridiculous and over the top they are, and TAKEN BY THE JUNGLE by this author legit had the bones of being an actually decent monster fucker romance. But the humor in this one just felt mean.
Moral of the story: if the voting booth's a-rocking, don't come a-knocking.
1 out of 5 stars
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