Tuesday, January 31, 2023

WtAFW: Conquered by Clippy: An Erotic Short Story by Leonard Delaney


So I have a "weekly" feature called What the Actual Fuck Wednesday where I make an effort to read some of the weirdest shit the internet has to offer and then write reviews about it. CONQUERED BY CLIPPY was going to be last week's feature but then I got busy so that's why this is a "weekly" feature and not a weekly feature. Luckily, I had a couple hours to spare this week and was able to get this done. (Just like the heroine and her, uh, assistant.)

Christine, the heroine from the last book, has recovered from her fucking at the hands (er, blocks?) of Tetris pieces. It left such an impression on her that she wrote a blog post about it, which was read by tech CEO Phil Gates, who was really impressed by her ability to "communicate using words." A+ for patronizing compliments. He invites her down to Silicon Valley to investigate an alien artifact in a remote area. Doesn't seem sus at all, and no need to do a Google search or anything. Just hop on a plane and meet this dude in a totally deserted area. YEAH THAT SEEMS LEGIT AS SHIT.

Once there, they are immediately hit by silicon geysers and crash into a pit so hard that it makes Christine's boobs jiggle (priorities). Phil continuously hits on Christine while they examine the various artifacts uncovered while mining, which is also where they encounter Clippy. Phil gets his brain bashed in by machine parts and Clippy and Christine both agree that's how he definitely would have wanted to die. That same cave-in also gives Clippy the horny, and then his cold rod becomes a hot rod, if you know what I mean. A hot rod that Christine can spread her "lady butter" all over as he "assists her with orgasm" by doing "butt stuff," after "plugging into her lady-socket."

I'm old enough that I've used Microsoft Word with Clippy on it, and if you didn't hate him already, this book is going to make you despise the horny metal shit. NO ONE WANTS YOUR ASSISTANCE CLIPPY. Funnily enough, reading this "book" made me go to Wikipedia for some research and to my surprise, CONQUERED BY CLIPPY is actually mentioned on the Wikipedia page for this book under the section about cultural references, which I found hilarious. Even more hilarious, though, is that apparently Microsoft employees found him just as intolerable and apparently referred to him internally as TFC (the C stood for "clown" and I bet you can guess what the TF stands for).

1 out of 5 stars

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