WtAFW: Taken by the T-Rex by Christie Sims

 

There's a video! Also, I like to picture the "hit" single, Was (Not Was)'s "Walk the Dinosaur" being the soundtrack for this review.

So I'm doing this new feature called What the Actual Fuck Wednesday where I let you pick weird romance and erotica books for me to read and then I review them every Wednesday. This is my first one and I was actually really excited (read: not excited, just scared) that this was recommended to me because TAKEN BY THE T-REX is a title I'd actually heard of. When Christie Sims and Alara Branwen first started publishing, they were kind of ahead of the first wave of monsterotica and were being talked about in outlets like The Guardian and Bustle and even, weirdly, Polygon.

TAKEN BY THE T-REX is a very weird story and part of what makes it weird-- not just in the obvious way-- is the fact that it kind of takes itself sort of... seriously? This is no M.J. Edwards or Chuck Tingle sort of tale where you can tell that the author is cackling to him- or herself the whole time while winking naughtily at the audience. There's a somewhat solid attempt at world-building in the beginning and by even the halfway point, no sex.

Anyway, the book opens with carnage and Drin and her fellow hunters talk kind of like the Amazonians from Futurama but with better grammar. The T-Rex has just slaughtered a ton of people in the village, including the wife of Grul, and he's just carrying her severed foot around with him for some reason while Drin is like OH THE HUMANITY. They hate that fucking T-Rex, they hate it a lot. The T-Rex must be destroyed. So when the steps come a thud-thud-thudding, Drin rallies the troops... but there's NO T-REX and I guess everyone is banging and getting it on when they're not hunting T-Rex (P.S. Grul moved on already), and they're all super pissed that Drin interrupted their banging session for a false alarm... but oh no! IT WASN'T FALSE AT ALL! THERE'S A MOTHER-FUCKING T-REX.*

*Quick aside, I'm very happy that the author made the conscious choice to have the T-Rex be feathered because I like it when my erotic stories are up to date on the latest science.

There's a weirdly large amount of description about the dinosaurs scales, feathers and eyesight. In fact, there's a whole paragraph JUST about the T-Rex's keen eyesight, which is kind of a lot of rent space in a "book" this short. By this point, the book is over 60% done and there's still been no sex. I'm getting antsy at this point, wondering if I've been tricked. There's no dino dick or even a courtesy cloaca reference. Drin and the T-Rex have a final showdown with Drin tricking the T-Rex into walking into a Wile E. Coyote sort of trap, a pit covered with sticks and leaves.

But it doesn't work! And while leading the T-Rex on a merry chase, Drin suddenly gets horny for NO REASON. And she's like fighting the urge to touch herself while trying to kill the T-Rex and I'm just picturing Professor Oak's disembodied voice saying "NOW IS NOT THE TIME TO USE THAT." I mean, really girl. At this point, I'm wondering if this is supposed to tie in somehow with the hallucinogenic fruit the heroine ate earlier. Is this a fever dream? Was it filled with horny juice?

Then we find out that the T-Rex's dick is TWO FUCKING FEET LONG. TWO. FUCKING. FEET. I'm hoping her vagina is a Tardis. The dinosaur smashes its dick into the heroine's vagina and she's like OW. But also, WOW IT DIDN'T HURT AS MUCH AS I THOUGHT IT WOULD. Which is not exactly reassuring since what she thought would happen was that it would cleave her in two. I thought what would follow was going to be the worst game of "will it fit?" in history but then the author takes it a step farther-- the heroine contorts herself around the dinosaur's dick, "the entire length of her body becoming a cunt for this animal to fuck." Because she was told that she could become anything, and what she really wanted to be is a human-sized vagina. *slow claps* Bravo.

Then the book ends with Drin meditating in a sea of lizard come before returning to the village and telling everyone that Grul-- who gets eaten like an after-sex mint-- died trying to save little ol' her. She then plans her next conquest. LOL, what the fuck. I thought you were a warrior, Drin.

This book will forever go down in history as "that story where the heroine fucks the dinosaur by folding herself up into a human-sized vagina for his two-foot long peen." Hilarious but not worth nearly $3.

Please recommend me more reads, either here or under this post!

1 out of 5 stars