Covid-69: Taking the Effects on the Side by Jessica T. Lawson

 

So I have a project called What the Actual Fuck Wednesday where I collect bad romance and erotica novels (intentionally bad or ridiculous ones, mind-- not ones where I'm just hate-reading books that were good faith efforts to, you know, not be bad). This book crossed my radar because someone sent me an appropriately titled Goodreads Listopia list called, simply, "What the Actual Fuck."

With the brief popularity of COVID-themed erotica, we've seen pretty lady scientists fucking the anthopomorphized versions of disease and cure alike. COVID-69, on the other hand, is just about two scientists looking for the cure-- and maybe, also, for love. Also, it's INSANE.

Someone needs to tell M.J. Edwards to up her game because THE PERFECT POO just didn't cut it, but Jessica T. Lawson clearly understood the assignment. She knows that a certain level of, ahem, finesse is required when writing WTFerotica, and she did not fail to deliver. And she didn't even have to write about green dicks! No, Pamela, our heroine, is a scientist working on the COVID vaccine, in between masturbating in the bathroom to naughty thoughts of the hot Brazilian COVID scientist, Roberto, the brawny beefcake of questionable judgement but noble SCIENTIFIC aspirations.

One day, while walking around with the almost finished vaccine, Roberto runs into another scientist, carrying an almost finished vial filled with "bonobonate," a sex stimulate made from, IDK, horny bonobos. The vials get mixed up which is a big whoops because Roberto walks into the lab and makes a big show of injecting the "vaccine" into his veiny arm because "I TRUST OUR SCIENCE." Animal testing? I don't know her. Just inject it straight into my veins.

Well, it was the horny bonobo serum (seriously, why are these two VERY DIFFERENT labs next to each other? active virology and sex therapy drugs do not mix), and Roberto has a big throbbing problem that can only be eased by tearing off his lab partner's and doing her in the lab. Eventually they run out of steam-- and bonobo chemicals-- and develop the fucking COVID vaccine, but Pamela says, "Hey, just for funsies, let's add some bonobo to the vaccine because people are probably going to be horny after being cooped up for so long." So they do, tee hee, naughty secret! The end.

This book... was so extra. I mean, the quotes in my status updates were just something else. This literally reads like it was written in an afternoon by someone who was indulging in a glass of after-work libations, and I'm not even mad because it was funny AF. Terrible, but oh my god. Even the accidental LGBT+ erasure at the end couldn't diminish the warm fuzzy glow I got from reading something that was truly, comedically awful. I don't recommend this, obvs, but you know you'll read it anyway.

1 out of 5 stars