A Splash of Cream at the Alabaster Cafe by Astra Rose

 

Did you see me reading this book? No, you didn't, actually. It was just a hologram. No, I will not be accepting any questions at this time. Move along.

A SPLASH OF CREAM AT THE ALABASTER CAFE was recommended to me for my What the Actual Fuck Wednesday challenge, a semi-weekly feature where I make it my business to read some of the weirdest romance and erotica on the market. Usually, it's stuff my followers recommend to me, which means I get a lot of "joke" erotica (like the Covid one that trended briefly), monsterfucker erotica (self-explanatory), and extreme/taboo or fetish erotica (hucow).

Remember that time I read MORNING GLORY MILKING FARM and I joked that I kind of wished that it was lactation erotica instead?

This book heard me say that and sprang into existence.

You'd best believe there's about to be spoilers.

Summer is desperately looking for a job. When she applies for this tech company gig, the lady basically strings her along and is like oh, by the way, we're having a hiring freeze right now so no dice, Samantha. Maybe try working at this coffee shop I dragged you to? I hear they pay $25/hr. Rightfully pissed at having her time wasted, Summer is like, thanks, bitch, maybe I will. And the coffee shop, which is the TITular Alabaster Cafe, agrees to see her for an interview.

But...

"Wear white," they say.

And when Summer goes to work the next day, she notices that the employer, Sal, spends a lot of time studying her boobs. And also, all of the girls working at the cafe have really huge boobs.

SUSPICIOUS.

The other girls tell her not to be silly, but Summer is still suspicious. Men belonging to some super secret "Coffee Club" keep going into the back room with the girls, who then walk out with massive, uh, tips. And then this reporter guy named Jack (who is HOT by the way, this is important), comes in and asks Summer about the Coffee Club, and she's like, idk, I guess I'm not COOL enough.

So the barista girls tell her to ask the creepy boss, who informs her that Alabaster is actually a front for people with a lactation fetish. The girls are all taking an illegal birth control bill that was removed from the market for causing lactation. "But it was their idea," he protests, too loudly. "I just supply them with the premises and look the other way." Yeah, Sal. And a pimp is just a pimp.

Anyway, Summer gulps that pill down faster than you can say maybe don't do that, and her first milking makes her come. So does her second. And the third. Basically all the milkings.

Investigative reporter comes back and is like, hey, remember how I came in and cryptically asked you for information about the Coffee Club? That birth control pill basically turns titties into cocaine-laced Viagra. Guys who drink the Forbidden Milk end up addicted to breastmilk with erections that won't stop. He takes her around back and they go into this secret Sex Lounge attached to the back of the Alabaster Cafe (SERIOUSLY, IS THERE NO FDA?) where women from the cafe put their titties into these, idk, breast stockades called a "slurp ramp" where dudes can just line up and drink assembly style.

Then Summer, Jack, and this gay man named Eric, have a milk-slathered threeway, where Jack jokes, "Also maybe your milk turned me gay." Okay dude.

Summer's takeaway from all of this is that there is NOT enough capitalism in the titty milk industry and she pulls a few strings with her dairy farm parents to get discount milk machines and bottle machines. Jack writes a casual, in-no-way-suspicious blog that somehow manages to hint at the erectile powers of titty milk without tipping off the FDA, and men flock to Club Milk Bar in droves, the grand opening of which Summer shows up to in a dress that shows off the goodies like she's at her own white carpet event to accept a Milky award. At the end of the story, people reverently touch her boobs as she passes, while Jack slips off to have sex with Eric, because Milk Makes You Gay(TM).

I did not know what to make of this book. It reminded me a little of this other hucow book I was forced to read, called ROYALLY MILKED, in that the writing was really good and there was more world-building than was strictly necessary for just porn. But on the other hand, there are some pretty disturbing implications for this book. Like the fact that these women are just quaffing illegal birth control, and working in an unregulated sex industry in the backrooms of a place that makes food. Also, towards the end of the book, when the Milk Bar opens, Summer just watches one of her fellow baristas get reamed in the ass without lube, noting casually that she isn't sure whether the noises she's making are because she wants it or because she's in pain.

I'M SORRY, ARE YOU TELLING ME THAT SHE THINKS THIS WOMAN MIGHT BE GETTING R*PED AND SHE'S JUST STANDING THERE, GETTING AROUSED, BECAUSE TIT MILK = FEMINISM?

This is the literal worst application of gatekeep, gaslight, girlboss that I have ever seen.

Overall, I think SPLASH OF CREAM is one of the better hucow romances I've read because it at least tries to accord some dignity (dignititty?) to the "cows," although idk about those slurp ramps and the gay milk. Let's just say, I've never been more grateful to be lactose intolerant and leave it at that.

2 to 2.5 out of 5 stars