Tuesday, January 25, 2022

WtAFW: I Fucked the Puppet by Fannie Tucker


Welcome to my weekly project, What the Actual Fuck Wednesday, sometimes referred to as WtAFW or What the Actual F*** Wednesday if I'm cross-posting to Amazon because the Amazonians don't like it when I say naughty words. It's REALLY fucking hard to review books like these without naughty words though because they are just over the top. The point isn't even to titillate at this point, I don't think-- it's just to generate shock and outrage and clicks.


Yay, capitalism.

So the wafer-thin plot of this book is that Emily wants to be in ballet but she's stuck doing this lame kids' show that has puppets and dancing. So like a low-budget Lazytown or Big Comfy Couch, I guess, IDK. Anyway, she has a wardrobe malfunction one day and goes to change out of her clothes but then randomly starts dancing around in her underwear pretending she is the Black Swan-- but oh no, there's a puppet watching her with lustful ping-pong ball eyes.


🤡 Dongo is not a creepy method actor. He is a creepy puppet who comes to life after everyone else leaves apparently. Wow, no thank you. I don't like this universe and I think if I actually owned any puppets (NOT THAT I WOULD BECAUSE PUPPETS ARE CREEPY), I would throw them into a box that said "FREE-- BUT CURSED!", put that box out on the curb, and then lock all my doors.
🤡 The puppet only speaks in rhymes. This does not help anything. Does he know the elves from the author's other book, GARDEN GNOME GANGBANG? Why do all inanimate sexual predators speak in sing-song?
🤡 Puppets are into rope bondage. I'm not here to kink shame anyone, but if your kink is being tied up by a green puppet who keeps going "uh-HOO uh-HOO" like he's channeling Tim Curry's Pennywise and talking about how his face belongs in your twat, uh, I'm not sure we should be friends.
🤡 His dick is covered in fur. EW. That is so disgusting. And also, so unsexy. And also, I hope someone washes this puppet. Because this is a children's show and-- UGGGHHH I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO GO INTO MORE DETAIL THAN THAT. UGGGGH. *flails* Also, apparently it's a retractable dick because he has the good sense to keep it hidden around the children. *shudders*
🤡 Rainbow sparkle jizz. Because naturally. Also it tastes like candy. Which is a running theme with a lot of these WTFeroticas actually. I read a Santa erotica where his spunk tasted like peppermint and sparkled like, IDK, fresh-fallen snow. But even if it does taste like candy, it would be like licking it off of a shag rug (so described by the book), and who would do that? Note: DON'T ANSWER THIS.
🤡 I'm pretty sure they didn't wash the puppet. GROSS.
🤡 Only 62% of this is actual book. The rest is like teasers and fillers for other books. Like, WTF. I signed up to be a masochist for the day. Don't hold out on 38% of the masochism. Give me ALL OF IT.

So yeah, this was gross and disturbing. The writing was ACTUALLY NOT THAT BAD, like, this was not M.J. Edwards where it would have been written like "their bodies slapped together like a naked gerbil humping a very horny shag carpet as their tongues tangoed like two mating shrimp," but also I want nothing to do with this Dongo character. Even the cover kind of creeps me out LOL.

1 out of 5 stars

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