WTaFW: Garden Gnome Gangbang by Fannie Tucker

 

My first encounter with Fannie Tucker was with her book, BAGGED BY THE GROCERIES! Since one of my new blogging projects is What the Actual Fuck Wednesday, which is devoted to finding some of the weirdest romances and erotica ever, I wasn't surprised to see her make a comeback in my Instagram inbox courtesy of my friend Caitlin, who recommended her book, GARDEN GNOME GANGBANG (GARDEN GNOME SEX PARTY on Amazon) as one of the titles she would like to see me read for WTaFW.

GARDEN GNOME GANGBANG opens with Jenny unboxing some new garden gnomes she ordered (presumably from Amazon or the Home Shopping Network). But wait, did those gnomes just move when her back was turned? Definitely not. Time to casually lie down and start masturbating. But oh no, there's a gnome. Oh wait, there's THREE. And they are giving her the bad touch. Except it's a good touch and this is probably a dream, right? Let's just go with it.

This is Jenny's logic as the gnomes team up to divest her of her clothes and then jerk her off while she jerks them off and then gives them blowjobs. Naturally gnome dick tastes like mushrooms and naturally gnome jizz tastes like candy (steady diet of sugarplums). No comment on how the sugarplum taste might, uh, clash with the mushroom taste, though. I mean, I wouldn't want truffle in my candy, but I also wouldn't want gnome dick in my mouth. So, you know. Potato, po-tah-to.

The gnomes fuck Jenny with their hats and then one of them takes its trousers off to reveal that barnacles are no longer the animals with the larges dick-to-body ratio out there. Apparently these itty-bitty gnomes have porn star size penises that are ensconced in their itty-bitty trousers by magic. Or something. Also, you know how dwarves like to whistle while they work? Gnomes like to sing while they fuck. And we're treated to a blowjob song (which they call a "lickey-loo") and a gang-bang song (a nursery rhyme-esque poem that involves bukkake). So, you know, just like Mother Goose.

This was pretty bad. Especially since the book ends around the 65% mark and the rest is just an excerpt for the author's other book. Um, excuse me, but if I sign up for gnome porn, I would like the FULL quantity of gnome porn, please. This is the erotic equivalent of selling me a bag of chips that is 35% air. And I don't very much care for that, either! Apart from being cheated of that final percent, I thought this was pretty creative and the cover made me laugh and the writing actually wasn't that bad. I have a feeling my sadistic friends are probably going to rec me more of this author's work and I'm such a sucker that I'm probably going to read it, because that's what What the Actual Fuck Wednesday is all about.

1 out of 5 stars